Those Worthless Entries

No Need To Brag (List of Peeps I've Dated) Show the X-Loves

2009-02-16T14:35:00.000-08:00

1.Marso Brown (age:12)-1 year
2.Trivante Harper a.k.a T.J. (age 13)-1 month & 1 week
3.Dontavious (Judy's,neighbor with dog named Blackie, nephew)-2 months
4.Malcolm Smith (age:14)-3 weeks
5.Tyler Davis-4 months
6.Jermaine Brown-1 month[cheated on Tyler]
7.Ronald Cardwell-1 month
8.Montell (guy met at religious spring getaway)-2 days
9.Jamarcus Johnson a.k.a Fat (he wasn't really fat)-1 month
10.Tay Johnson (Fat's cousin)(age:14)-1 week
11.Josh (Fat's friend)-2 months
12.Sh'muel Israel McClain-1 year & 8 months {first love,my carebear,my "lion"}
13.Georgio Conroe-2 weeks [cheated on Sh'muel]
14.Joshua (Moshe's son, family friends)-5 days[cheated on Sh'muel]
15.Alicia "Retinna" Richard-4 days, then it became 2 weeks or so {long distant}
16.Eric Haliburton-1 month and 2 days
17.Palmerlee Lashaun Rivers-2 months
18.Paul Timmons-5 weeks {first long-distant relationship}
19.Alex Hartley-1 month[cheated on Paul] {my "werewolf"}
20.Jacquelyn "Jackie" a.k.a Elizabeth and/or Rinoa (now)-6 moths...and still going {my first uke, long-distant}
21.Achilles Lewis (Sh'muel's best friend)-2 months & 1 week
22.Neko Jerrell-2 months and & 3 weeks...and still going for now. {my "vampire"}

Valentine's Day, Forever Always

2009-02-15T15:52:00.000-08:00

My ring and devilish bear from Neko, forever always.

I must say,
that if only everyone knew how I felt that day.
I was in awe.
I am in awe.
It was the greatest moment of my life.
The goal I have finally accomplished throughout my life.
The goal I planned for years that
never accomplished.
It may not matter to you guys.
But it matters to me,
and on Valentine's Day it was something memorable.
That day,
after Johntavious abandoned me with Mia.
After Neko and I left VOX when we realized they had a meeting.
I became the Deflowered Mary.

Valentine's Day { CURSE GREAT AMERICAN COOKIES}

2009-02-14T07:09:00.000-08:00

I can't believe its Valentine's Day...oh poo.
My cookie shit cost me $26.99.
Then with sales tax.
That bitch cost me $29. 15.
That's the most I spent on a dude...or for a dude.
I hope Johntavious makes it.
I'm so excited!

Friends Are Fish (Sometimes Food)

2009-02-13T09:54:00.000-08:00

I don't know what everyone wants me to do.
Friends are fish...
they are the most slipperest values in my hands.
Once they swim away,
I shouldn't remember how far they swam.
I just gotta keep up with the ones
that are still alive in my tank.

I have no one to trust. I lost my old male friends because those sensitive bastards are easily heart-broken, confused and/or just dumbasses. I am tired of evrybody talking about me. Hell, I may walk around like nothing can hurt me, but I rather be hurt by sticks and stones than words. Words are terrible. Having friends who use words against you is horrible. I can't care because people come and go. I know one thing, no one has a better excuse to why they don't want to be friends with me anymore. I am not innocent, but no one has proof that I am guilty. If I ever talked behind other people's backs or murdered someone's family then all my X friends have an awesome reason to ban me from being friends. Honestly though, I am not begging anybody back. I just need to get it out...and I promise not to add more chips to the table.
I am not friendless, I have friends that don't even associate with the ones I am talking about. I never brought them into any situation. I never even use them to say something to others. I am not a bad friend. I am the golden retriever. I am man's best friend: loyal, honest, obedient, and sensitive. I am the last person who would always stick around and the last person you'll regret losing.
As I told my stalker, those people are not haters. I don't have what it takes to feel compassionate. I am not artistic, or better than they. We were just different people. And since it takes one to know another person. I guess I can say they are a little fake and not true to their words. I'm fake too, and not a lot of people will admit that. I know one thing, to the people that I thought who were my friends...I have never caused any drama in ya'll lives. Not once have I called you guys out of your names, like you have to me about me. I just know that I will not aplogize for anything I didn't say or do. And despite certain friends that want me to apologize to you people, I will say this. You guys are human just like me...worthless pieces of shit who can't do nothing but hurt others with words...adjectives that meant a lot to me!

Cradle of Filth (possessed)

2009-02-12T14:09:00.000-08:00

This band scares the living hell out of me.
But I am possessed with their music.
I'm not goth.
Let's keep that in mind.
I just like goth indutrial and screamo.

laughs out loud Poor Rhianna (SIKE! :p)

2009-02-10T14:12:00.000-08:00

I overheard everybody talking about Chris Brown beating the hell out if Rhianna.
The most greatest reason why becuz Rhianna gave Chris Brown herpes.
Now, don't hate when I say THIS
but...HER ASS DESERVED IT!
Chris Brown wouldn;t hit no female for nothing.
I don't even like that dude.
But I wish a chick gave me herpes, I would have beaten her ass too, or a dude.
Doesn't anybody understand?
That dude gotta live with tha.
HERPES AIN'T FUCKIN' CURABLE!
So if I was in his position I would have beaten her ass, and then killed myself before serving time. What the hell am I gonna serve time for? I got herpes. I have to struggle taking a piss and feeling that shit burn and scratching my balls day in and out.
Hell, one can beat my ass in prison or jail. I don't give adamn. She deserved it. Ever since she came to America I heard she been screwing around with everybody. If that's rumors, the hey who said I believed it?

Secret Life Of An American Teenager (big fan)

2009-02-10T13:01:00.000-08:00

The most awesome!
It shows a lot of interracial couples than pregnant chick, Amy, and Mr. Nice Guy, Ben. It is the #1 hit show on ABC Family. I am a big fan, and it is addicting.
Yesterday, there was act fight between the Christian virgin, Grace, and the, hottie, Adrienne.
But all they did
was PULL each other's hair.
Laughing in the end.
Cool-malested at a young age,Ricky, Amy's baby daddy, set up a trap to hug Amy for Ben to see.

HALT!!!!! Women can go to jail for dating guys two years younger than them? I did not know that.
That's fucked up.

Back to the show...I think Amy and Ben
is breaking up with no words.
It's sad.
Ricky is being a bastard...a fake bastard who actually rejected a convo with Grace (Grace and Ricky were "dating" for a while)
and a ONE-NIGHT STAND with Adrienne.
That's deep.
Anyway, its nice...but the more you predict what you want out the show, it just never goes as plan.

When I'm With You

2009-02-01T18:52:00.001-08:00

I hate how you always
get me confused.
Can we hang out
without making out for once?
I feel like
you pull me away
from the life I could never have.
The guy I can never love.
Goals I can never accomplish.
Dreams that won't ever come true.
Above all,
you're like the devil to me.
Whispering "I love you."
like you want me to believe.
Ne-gro,
do you understand that I
can beat you down
without the use of my bare hands.
I lost a lot of trust,
friends and time.
Being with you is like an addiction'
and every moment
is a reputation of what
we once were.
I am your puppet,
your doll,
a dog, and your caged bird.
You make me sing
shit I swear
to never sing again.
Its time for us
to lockdown,
for you to shut your fuckin' mouth.
Your words aren't good
to me,
when you don't have proof behind
your logic.
Do you wanna know how I feel?
I feel like its all
fantasy love to you.
It has always been something
that never last...

Where's The Love Man?

2009-01-15T20:45:00.000-08:00

Relationships is bad. i don't know why but it is. To my homie Byrd man, let that woman be right ad true. Anyway, my friends are going through shit since the new year has begun. My friends, Mykela and Reggie have been together for a super long time. They broke up at one point but now they reunited. Beautiful right? WRONG! I know (and this is not a racist statement) that black people can't keep a long distant relationship. Who said it was all about the physical? WHO SAID IT AIN'T?! If we already growing this fabulous connection, then how can we take each other to the next level? They both cheated on each other, I know, I was there,lol. So it's nothing new, but if they decided to break up with each other than fine. I just want them to be friends. I don't want it to be so bad, that I don't need to choose friends but to hear one person downright the other. That's not cool, where's the love man?
My other friend, Crystal, is going through shit. I won't say much, a promise is a promise. But her man, my X, is acting the same bitchy way when he was with me. dring people away because he can't pull himself together. Now whose fault is that? If a guy assume that his girl is gonna dump him and that's in the back of that chick's mind, then we already know whose the MAN of the relationsho;. Guys gotta stop being bitchy and needy. Play it cool, like you know you have us girls in the bag. Make me need you, and want you to rescue me. I am not rescuing no guy, being the man in the realatiosnhip is boring. Just because you made first moved and shit, that don't mean a thing. But if you tell me that you love me more than I can ever love you, the Houston we have a problem. I feel sory for Crystal, and after she finally have what she wanted it starts to crumble, she's willing to break-up with him, no second thoughts. I don't want them too, believe it or not. My friends, c'mon, where's the love man?

Its Almost Easy

2009-01-11T12:43:00.000-08:00

I was pissed at Neko from Friday. I didn't want to see him at VOX, and I assumed that he was pissed at me too. Well, he came, and I vowed to never speak to him for awhile. It wasn't going well, we ended up talking from time to time. He moved from girl to girl and came back to me. He made sure I was still his. When I came back to my desk from retrieving my edits, he wrapped his arm around my waist and held me. I was bothered. I wanted to push him away, but he never really hugged me since he got here. I waited a little but I asked to be seated. I paid more attention to Missa, a VOX staff member, who immediately talked to me after Neko spoke to new female members. She did run her mouth all the while, but despite the fact that she annoyed me...I wanted to make-out with her. She's pretty cute to me, and I felt like she like me a little. Anyway, she became my owner for the moment and walked me around VOX. It was nice.
I told him. I told Neko I was scared, and I didn't want him to wait. We sat in the ceramic floor of the first floor and chilled. I was getting too emotional, but I told him I no longer cry in front of boys. It just makes me look bad.He pulled a condom and some pregnancy pills from a friend. It was the first time I seen them up close, the pills I mean. He told me that since he was 18 now, he was able to buy the pills for me, if I am ready. I wanted to hug him and tell him thank you. I just sat there with depression and gave the condom and pills back to him. I didn't want it, at least not anytime soon anyway. After this we stood on our two feet and made out I think. No, he gave me a hug and a peck. This was rhe second time to express how I feel. "I am so tired of this hug and peck thing. You are the first that have done this to me." I said, as I began to pace back and forth. He wanted to kick me, but I saw him in the reflection of these black doors in front of me. I warned him, "If you kick me,I'll beat your ass!" He looked at the black doors and was like "dammit!" Anyway, I told him how whenever I was alone with a guy, we were always doing something. "Unless he was my best friend ever and have a shitload of respect for me." I said.
"SO what do you do with guys when alone?" he asked.
"We make-out. Do shit close to sex, but never getting anywhere. There were a time when I would distract a guy whenever he paid attention to something else. Like, my ex-boyfriend would be on MY bed on MY room watching Naruto. You don't know, I got ways." I said a little snobby. Then Neko's phone rang. I walked up to him and try to rub him on his thighs and other places where I know how to turn guys. He started to squirm and giggled. I can't stand his body, I started to walk away and he grabbed my hand and pulled me back to him. I started to claw against his chest and his neck. He told his caller that he'll call him back. I knew it was turning him on.
Then as I try to bite his neck, he pulls away. I stood back rejected a little and start to walk away. He pulled me back to kiss him again, but then he stopped in mid-love and said, "That's all you get." I was pissed. He's the first person who have teased me in any relationship I been in. I was hungry for him. I started to move back, and said, "You are so lame." I started to walk away for about the third time and he pulled me back. "I'm just not hard yet. Move in front of me." I did, I think I knew he wanted to do. "Bend over, he said, and as I did I grind on his cock and it didn't even take a second for me to feel his boner. I swore I heard him said,"Damn girl." I need to stop listening too hard. I moved back to his side and he kissed me. Now I don't remember much, but maybe he wanted me to do something. I covered my eyes and looked stressed and amazingly the cops came around. I swore they were gonna tell us to come with them cuz some crazy ass adult was disturbed by a bunch of puppy-love teens were alone on this floor. Nope, they just came to tell us that the area was off-limits for now. Before Neko and I followed the officers to an exit, Neko's brain was beginning to work,lol. "Hey, I have a card so we can use the elevator since we work upstairs." The officers was like Okay,whatever,have a goodnight." and whatnot walking away as Neko and I boarded the elevator, and then my brain was beginning to work. "Hey,let's go to the 7th floor." I was too excited to do whatever like I had time on my hands or something. Puh-lease, all I was concerned about was time. I would always look sad with a guy alone cuz of time. How much time did I ever have to waste?
He was on the wall, and I was all up against him. I continued my clawing, grabbing his hair,and rubbing his cock as we made-out. He began to move me, making me stumble back against the wall across from us. I have made one or two guys lose balance. He was the first to say that I was the first to make him do it. Its not hard to do ladies. Making guys fall over you, new hobby. Anyway, we were extremely horny. I made failed attempts trying to bite his neck. I don't know, I wanna play vampire too. He noticed the door on his right which led to a staircase. He wanted to go in there and to my surprise that this door was open it was a liitle chilly. Not cold, but I don't know, like cool air. He used his book bag to hold the door open since it was locked from the inside. We were on our knees on the floor making out for awhile. He then said, "I still want my dick sucked." I probably gave a little smirk as he began to remove his wallet from his jeans. I quickly pull his belt from his pants and he offered to unbutton the button, un zip his jeans and pull out his cock. Now, the first thing that ran through my mind was the abstinence class and the STD s our teachers showed us through a slide show. It was crazy, anyway, I placed that in the back of my mind. He wasn't so bad. I was beginning to make it easier for me when I started to suck him up. I was gonna jack him and do it at the same time. Oh my god, he was the first guy to move my left hand away. He held it and grabbed the other hand and held it. He wanted me to suck him his dick without hands! I never done this before, believe it or not. I am good at this, I swear I am, I just never done it with no hands, or ever been bonded. I managed and sucked it hard, fast. I recognized my tongue just sitting there in my mouth while I bobbed. This is the first, so I thought I can try something new. I licked him all around areas I can reach while I rapidly bobbed for apples. I heard his soft breathing, and at a time I would go deeper trying to deep throat him. I almost nearly vomited since I moved down deeper. Then I noticed my hands were freed and I grabbed his waist and pulled him into me. I needed him to explode. I sucked harder. I knew I couldn't stop until he came, but he was still hard. So my mouth clutched his dick and I sucked it like I would jack him. I felt his dick throbbing up and down. I knew he was gonna come,but at the same time, I really couldn't until he told me to stop. I pulled back, a string of nut and saliva attached to his cock from my lips. I swallowed little wiped the rest and swallowed leftovers. He chuckled. I wasn't in the mood again. In my mind was the words I always say, "All I do is give blowjobs."
He stood and moved to the steps and sat there. He held out his hand for me to come sit with him. Now I am wearing these tight, faded pink and back skinny jeans so I can't really stretch much. I placed my legs on either side of his bod and sat on his cock. He had his hands all over me, complimenting my bod and telling me how amazing I am. I wanna just make him reconsider all this, its like I heard all before, ya know? Like, he's a sweet guy. Telling me all this makes me feel easy, and I am not easy. We made out for awhile and even though I wanted to grind on him, my pussy could not touch his cock since my jeans couldn't stretch far down. I had trouble with my shirt though after being asked to see my boobs. It was not like I was holding back, I just felt unstable with my bod at the time. But I didn't put on my jackets again, I took off the chain to my collar though. I just brushed my chest against his. It was a nice little moment, he's just the only guy I can make-out with after oral...he was true to his words thankfully.
He wanted to lay on the carpet back in corner we made-out at first. I wanted to be bottom this time, I just wanna know what's his motives as being on top. We continued to make out with me clawimg his back and neck, it was getting him ready. He said,"I wish I can bite you, but you have too much on." I was pissed, you don't know how long I wanted him to bite me.I took my sweet time struggling to unwrap my pink and black scarf. When I was done, he didn't want me to struggle with my collar. He just pulled it down and leaned in. I was excited and ready to at least say something...I keep forgetting where we were. He moved away which stopped me from daydreaming."What's wrong now?" I asked a little annoyed.
"I don't want my fangs to retract." he said, he sounded serious. I was pissed. This was not the time to pull his vamp antics on me, and I had to reassure him that nothing will happen. He can control it, I know he can. He was still upset to me, but he placed whatever he was thinking in the back of his mind and started to lean in and bite me, in a weird place. It was on my neck, but like near my jawline. It took me awhile to get used to this. I was immediately turned on by his bites and tongue. I couldn't control anything anymore. My mind grew blank as I thought about how my first time with him will be. How hot it will be. He didn't even know how lucky I am to have him. Whether my true purpose to be with him was his looks, being a vamp, or his mellowness. I loved him now. Making love=sex? Yesh, love is no other feeling than having that first kiss. We were not even together for so long, I know, I just don't count. I felt the pressure in my neck throbbing, it was crazily painful and before I could warn him about hickies he was done for now.
We switched places and he started to take off his glasses. Probably the biggest mistake ever. He looked so hot. "Oh my god," I said and I covered my eyes. I'm extremely shy and to see him without his glasses. I wanted to like walk away and ruin this fantasy. "What's wrong?" he asked.
"You look just like your picture."
"And?"
"You're making me jealous."
"Why?"
"Because you're just like Jin, from Samurai Champloo when his glasses were knocked off at a given time and he was so sexy."
"Look at me,"
"I can't."
"If you don't..." he pulled up his shirt. I yanked it down, and gave up. I looked him in the eyes with a blank stare, I couldn't keep my composure, so I leaned in for a kiss. Then I moved to his neck on the right side. He flinched, again. I knew he was ticklish on this side so I moved to the other side and force his head to stayed leaned but he pushed me back. The more he pushed me away, the more upset I became. "Wait, look me in my eyes and count to three." he said. I thought he was psycho. I didn't know why he wanted me to do it. I kept being difficult with him and asked,"If I do it, can I count in my head?" He nodded. I did, and it wasn't easy to look at him. When I got done, I bit his chin and leaned to his left side to bite him. He didn't flinch. He just laid there and breathe. It was a lot for him because he became a little too much and said,"I wanna put it in you so bad." I shook my head as I pulled back and played with his neck on the right side. "Aja can I please put it in?" he asked.
"No." I said.
"Can I just stick it in?"
"No."
"Please?"
"NO." I said. I couldn't be this good if he's gonna pressure me to stick his cock in me. He should have found some way to rape me, it would have been nice.
Oh well, he told me it was time to go. I didn't want to leave. I wasn't paying attention to time at all, I just wanted to keep going and he told me to. We were on our knees again making-out, and I didn't want to let him go. He still had his glasses on the floor. He whispered, "Will I ever get to feel your pussy?" Even though I know his dislikes, I needed him to do this. My legs was now wrapped around his bod and I said, "You can finger me." He unbutton my button, unzip my pants and slid his hand down my pants. Excited as always I wanted him to finger-fuck me for a good time. "Wow..." he said. I smiled."I don't know where to go." he said and I had to help him. It wasn't a problem for me. He didn't like finger-fuckin' but hell, I suck your dick you finger me. He didn't finger me right, but it was okay. I wanted him to use two fingers and it never matter how inexperienced he was with me. I wasn't gonna be finished after this. We were not halfway, he went deep inside me I bit him and pleaded that I wanted to fuck him."But you're scared," he reminded me. I moaned that I didn't care. I knew in my heart, that I was two-faced. When one gets me horny, I am ready to fuck. If I am with a guy I don't like sexually or haven't been around with lately then I lose interest in fuckin'.
I don't remember much after that. I know I was on the wall, and he kissed me. He told me he wanted to see my pussy. I was a little embarrassed to pull down my jeans, but it was too late since he was on his knees and my pants along with my undies were below my thighs. I felt his tongue licking my pussy lips and going inside a little bit. I flinched and he stopped. He was teasing me.
Since I was giving up anything tonight he pulled back. He started to take off his white beater. I moved back against a wall away from him. I hated that his bod was better than mines. I started to pounce him, pushing him against the wall and kissing him. I didn't pay attention to his bod. His bod was forcing me to take off my clothes. I loved his height, and how his arms were around me. He is so different when his glasses and shirt is off. I don't know how but I ended being against that same wall away from him. He stood a few feet away and asked me to look at him. I refused. I saw his sexy face through the glass of a fire hose on my left. He was so calm, so hot, I hoped that he wouldn't come near me. I shouldn't fall for him. I couldn't. I didn't have anything to rape him with,lol. he didn't come near me, I didn't want to aggravate him. I sensed that he was as soon as I saw him pick up his jacket and put it on. "I'm decent." he said. I began to pick up my jacket, place my bag over my shoulder and attached the chain back to my collar. We walked back to the elevator and on, without even holding hands.

Sex Before Marriage part 1

2009-01-10T13:11:00.001-08:00

He needs a new girlfriend, so I can be in peace with Neko. I have felt sadness with Neko in my head. I have not felt love like I wanted to cuz its hard to love again. I gotta explain this to Neko. Or, someone more understanding, like Marcus. Maybe Nandi too. I hate feeling so sad, well, no. I haven't felt so sad in a long time. This, I am not torn between either one of them. Sh'muel never brought up "us" since yesterday. Neko...maybe Marcus is right. He doesn't really love me. I rather take him down to Dragon Circle and give him a blow job. That's all I ever do. I give blowjobs, and maybe get eating out or fingered. I can't lose my virginity. whatever made me say that Neko could be my first, I was just desparate and lonely. i am cool without having sex. I mean, I masterbate constantly, what more than this need to make me satisfied? It's pissing me off. I hope my period starts, if not, its time for Plan B: plea. I can't do it...I think I am abstinence. I think I am afraid of going to hell. But I have to remember that I was raised this way. My parents fucked before they got married. Look at them now. My mom got a house new, "young" husband and a career being a teacher. She started as a cafeteria lady in my elementary school. Moved on in being a paraprofessional, now she teachers 3rd graders. That's bull. My dad got a steady job, he's somewhat struggling to pay bills in his one bedroom apartment. It makes me wanna move back and support him

The Collar Around My Neck

2009-01-10T12:58:00.000-08:00

Rocky's collar. MY dog's collar. I am tryna prove a point. I remember taking a quiz at the abstinence meeting about animal personalities. I am the golden retriever. I am the most quiet, "faithful," and honest person you'll ever meet. I must be owned,lol. Yeah, but no. I wore the collar to prove probably three points if I can get the thir done to stay still,lol:

(1) The word "bitch". I am not Head B.I.C at school. But I do have a bitchy attitude. I want to be known that this is what a "bitch" look like. Now, I know it shouldn't be right. But what if someone pulls my chain and I go off? Well don't botches go off when you are one heir turf? Well the collar as well as this rusted chain is my turf. My shit. For I am a bitch.

(2)I lost my old spiked choker. Or my mom got one of my sisters to steal it from me. Its pathetic. I needed new accessories and I knew that it was going to be pretty weird. Since I am such a "scene emo" in my homeboy's eyes. Yeah, I just wanted to be known for something. Girl with bullring. Girl who covers her eyes. Girl who wears her dog's collar. Ain't that something?

(3) I am considered to be the sheep dog at home. I stopped covering my eyes for awhile, but I never covered my shy and quiet act. Yes, sheepdog can be my nickname for awhile,lol. I used to draw myself as a dog in middle school. What made me upgrade to bunny? Maybe the horniness,lol. But um yeah, bitch? Female sheepdog,woof.

(4) I noticed throughtout my life that I am weak. I am always used whether its running errands or doing someone else's homework. I am always used...sometimes in a helpful way. I know its not a good look, but my past cause me to be the people pleaser. The most loyal to few. I hated when peeps have the wrong impression on me. Yes, I'm different, but I am not a shit starter, or an uptight bastard. I got a middle-class life, no goals, and no future. Just like you and I, and yet I remain used. My two owners are Mapp and my sophmore friend who shares Physical Science with me. I thought Mapp will do something crazy to me, but nah, he's not bad at all.

That's my reasons for the collar. Don't find it a prob when I got four different excuses!

Sex Before Marriage part 2

2009-01-10T12:57:00.001-08:00

Neko is different. I gotta respect that. When I asked him if he can just get laid with someone else, he said "no." What boyfriend does that? I may have wanted to bail out on the losing-my-virginity-with-a-hot-guy date. I am afraid for the thousandth time. Afraid of what? I don't know. I wanna just be easy, pills and condoms. Hitting that 1-8 with no worries. It's so sad. I told him I loved him and it didn't matter what he do. He was so mad. I didn't care. I told him I have shit to do at VOX. That was very much true. After all, I've abandoned VOX last Saturday and the only art meeting out this month. What kinda impression is this for being the art coordinator? So I gave up, and told him that if he wanna fuck so bad then we can do it. All of a sudden,"I don't wanna do it, if you don't want to." he says. Nigga wtf? Did it matter if I wanted to do it? Did sex has to be something for both of us to enjoy? I told him to stop being an idiot and I can lay off everything just to have his way. It was almost like a test a little bit. I wanted him to hear the irritation in my voice and understand how I feel. No, instead he says that I can do me. The best answer I heard from a boy. I let it be. I don't want to make him feel terrible...but I won't let a guy tell me what's right. He was a bitch to tell me to do me, and to say that he will support me. Now, who runs who?

Look Whose In My Shoes

2009-01-10T12:01:00.000-08:00

There's something wrong with Sh'muel. He's acting more weirder than ever. Like, he never tell me that he love since going through drama with Elizabitch. I don't understand why these days he's telling me that he loves me,jokingly serious. It makes me feel weird, like, not only this. He's been asking me...questions. Like have I thought about him today or did I miss him. When you are single, it can hit you hard and you turn to that X-love of yours whose still down to earth with you. I was like this, calling Sh'muel constantly, telling him how much...well reminding him how much I love him. Then accepting the fact that Sh'muel has moved on. He isn't thinking the same way about me, with a new chick and all. It made me jealous. I knew that as long we were still cool, my love for him won't die.
Now the tables have turned. I don't think about him constantly. I don't care about him any longer. It seems as though he was me back then. Desperate for love, exaggerating, corny ass words to make me feel special. I got a lot of love for him. We have been through too much for me to just say "Hey,I don't love you like I used to." I do think about him, not as much as before. Probably when the thought comes around, so says Sh'muel when he told me this before I left.

Strolling Down Memory Lane XD

2009-01-10T11:18:00.001-08:00

I met Sh'muel today after so many months. I must say, he doesn't look bad being so skinny...or "muscular" so he says. I still can't look him in the eyes unless my mind was elsewhere. I missed the fat when I hugged him and was just surprised to feel that he have been working out though. He still had the smile going on, everything. I saw his tattoo up-close. Its strange. Q kept himself preoccupied with his cell cell. I didn't care about what time I came home. Just walking with Sh'muel is an emergency. We played around while walking, teasing each other...the good times. Since we met in front of the school, we had to walk back down Mary Lou. In my world, it's "Memory Lane." e had our laughs in at one point, then as we began to trudge up the hill, he slipped his hand in mines. It was shockingly natural. I can't believe my fingers were entwine in his. I don't know what made me hold hands with him. I didn't want us to be like this. I'm emotional now, but that minute not a single thing crossed my mind except the past. I never told him this, but he always sensed something troubling me.
We chilled on the corner, I told Q straight up that my mom can kiss my ass. I didn't want to be put up with her. I wanted a piece of freedom like he and Sh'muel. Hell, life was never fair. At that moment, Q was tryna be an awesome friend. He reminded me each time that I should go home. I didn't wanna risk getting in trouble because I wasn't home at a certain time. Bullshit. Sh'muel apologized for repeating this important history between us. He doesn't know how much I still got love for him. I mean, I don't want us to be together again...at least not now. I have risked my whole life tryna spend time, even as little as this, just to see his smile or his hair. We only had at least 45 minutes together, but my concience was bothering the hell outta me. I just got up from beside Sh'muel after being caught in his trance of his cool, whispering voice.
I think I saw a proud face on Q when we got ready to walk back. I thought about my excuse when I get home. How my mom would have found out that Nandi wasn't really at home. It would suck, but it never mattered. Sh'muel held me close as we walked home together. I felt so sad like, "What if this the last time we ever have a moment like this?" I don't know. Sh'muel noticed I was distraught again, and I expressed something more deeper than my last thought."I feel like that you don't appreciate the risks I take just to see you." I said. He held me closer than close and told me that he did. He have always did...and I believed him. Whatever he tells me, even if he lied with a smile, I believed him. Q was far from us sorta. He probably could still hear everything we talked about. I expected him to be like "fuck it" and walk faster, leaving me and telling my mom. Nah, he just alked ahead slowly but far enough for Sh'muel and I to have our privacy.
By the time we got on the corner of Boulderview Drive and Pasco Lane. Sh'muel and I had to part. I hated our parting moments. I remembered that when I reached my place and no one answered. I immediately ran back down Boulderview to catch up with Sh'muel. I can never let him go. Now, that we parted, I felt a guilt trip coming on. Like, no...no guilt trip...used all over again. I felt this thing telling me that he didn't love me at all. I know he charmed other chicks. At the same time I felt this thing telling me that I am still young, and I am just having fun. All the sexy stuff I did was fun in this generation. So I knew every time we parted he would kiss me. The same old routine. I get ready to walk away but he always ask for a hug. I hug him, slightly pulling back so that he coud lean in to kiss me. My heart beats madly when we kissed, but I did something that I never thought I would even do. I pull back before his tongue slids into my mouth. I shake my head and get ready to leave. His hand magically is holding mines. We held on but as soon as I reach the tips of my fingers he pulls me back. "One more." he says. He kisses me again. I pull back ever so quickly trying not to get caught in his web. I shake my head dramatically as I walked aWay, when I hear him run back I run. I run to Q, thanking him for sticking around. I know how Q feels about me, but I will never feel what he feels, EVER.

The Blue Period

2009-01-10T09:59:00.000-08:00

I don't know. I'm currently reading Twilight, a vampiric novel. It reminds me of Neko, and the more I read, the more I started to miss Neko. It's strange. I wanna call him, but I already did. He says he'll be going clubbin' tonight. It's weird when I picture him going to a club. I wish I was there with him. But now, I just wish I can call him and tell him that I love him......I think. He just makes me give in to him when he tells me this. I can't give in to him. He's a senior, 18, and is ten times mature than I could ever be. He might even forget about me in the long run, I just, I don't know.
I am in my blue period again. Relationships make me sad. I don't know. I just wanna be alone most of the time like now. I'm surrounded by my stoopid sisters and my attitude has got the best of me. My mindset is back into anti-social status. I feel like I have lost a war or my hart is broken. But no, it's something else. I feel like I wanna be alone with music and food. One girl and guy for pleasure and a pet that won't die on me. Roaming the world alone is the best. I am like in the mood in calling my friends and breaking off with them. It's going to suck. I don't think I would though, I'll just wait till I get older. I wanted a job, and an apartment and I can secretly have a pet cat. I mean, I would have a dog too, but apartments don't deal with animals to well.
No seriously, I don't want a boyfriend or girlfriend anymore. I don't want to have friends anymore. It sickens me...

She did it again...

2009-01-10T09:44:00.000-08:00

The day I finally arrived. I'm just in the mood to type cuz my cp is "fixed." I know my password to unlock my cp and it's Sh'muel's nickname. Amazing huh? I must've been thinking about him for a moment,lol. Anyway, I am somehwat thankful that I am here. I need some long streets for my jogging period for track in January. It is so weird. I need to call my peeps soon and tell them that I'm here and tell them where's my new location, which is just across the street from Century 21. Like where you hit the streetlight, and you make a left away from GATE gas station. Oh man, I gotta sleep.
Lemme update on my life os far. I have nothing but a few friends where I can really count on my hands and probably my toes. It's so lame. I am kinda losing my older friends like 18+. It's for stupid reasons, like rejecting their offer in being their girlfriends. Or telling them to stop sucking my balls . Sometimes if we dated, they'll probably stop talking to me when we break up. This semester was my Black period.
My relationship status is awkward. I'm dating the most hottest guy ever known to man. His name is Neko Veal. Now, Neko, is assuming he's a vamp. Isn't that cute for an 18-year old to use him imagination to say the unthinkable. He's like Athrun, but with better hygeine. The dude wants me to believe him, and I won't. He can't even prove that he is. I wish he did though, oh man, he has his "limits." Like I can't bite his neck, Or we can't go second base because he gets too excited. Still, I hate his vamp excuses. I don't love Neko. I pretend that I have no interest in our relationship, but there was an incident that occured to where my emotions was spilled all over this brick wall I had. It painted this mural, not that big, but it was gonna be.
He became bitchy at the fact that I couldn't make it to VOX Saturday because I had to pack. So he went, had a good little time so he says, and tells me that Elizabeth's "Marine boyfriend" didn't show up. I was like "YESH!" but then he was like he called VOX and told them that he wouldn't make it. Whatever dude, the excuse was that he had to pick somebody up and whatnot. Out of all the days in the world. Now, he catches himself talking to Eliazbeth only because I, his girlfriend, didn't make it to VOX,along with Elizabeth's invisible boyfriend. I asked him what did he do, he said, "No comment,but....forget it."
"What, you've come this far."
"Forget it." he said.
"SAY IT." she said.
"Alright, I just heard something."
"About me?"
"Yeah."
"From her?"
"No."
"From you."
"No, I didn't say nothing. We just talked."
"So she did say something?"
"No, why don't you like her?"
"She ruined what was precious to me. A long-term thing that I thought it'll last till she came."
"Well I heard from Georgio-----"
"Screw Georgio! Screw them both, he kisses Elizabeth's butt it's sooo stupid."
"Well, I heard what happened between you and your ex-boyfriend."
"There was no other reason that he and I broke up. He doesn't even know what happened."
"Georgio said that he broke up with you cuz you cheated on him."
I was silent. I wanted to cry so bad because all this drama and shit has to get started. I hated her, and for Georgio to follow. They're so fucking shitty. I wanted to slice their throats."Do you see this?" I asked Neko after my 11 second pause."I knew that as soon as Elizabeth joined she would start some shit. She joined trying to follow me. She is always ruining my life. But you know what, I will not fight over someone who doesn't want me anymore. What did you do?""I didn't do anything. We just talked and she asked me to walk her down to the train, and she gave me a hug then left." he explained.
"It doesn't matter, I can't assume anything so you know what...I'll call you back." I said fighting through.
"Aja,please----"
"No,I'm gonna call you back. I can't deal with this." I said and hung up on him. I was too pissed at him. Then I realized I was pissed at myself. There was no need to feel like I cared about him because I forced myself to not to. But there was something in me that says whatever. Then again, my apathetic brain system was elsewhere. I decided to call him back and tell him it didn't matter anymore. So I did. He didn't pick up, but I did leave a message. I just assumed that he was pissed at me, and I didn't care. About 30 minutes later, he called me on his house phone. I was still upset, but I pulled myself together. He said "hey" like nothing of what we said was affecting him.
"Look, I was thinking about how much I just cared too much about this.""Well, I knew you was upset so I called to see how you was doing." he said.
"Anyway, I just wanted to say that none of this really matters. I wasn't true to myself when I told you who I am. I have to learn not to care about what you do.""So are you saying that you don't care?"
"I don't know. I want to, but I told you that having too much feelings in the relationship makes me feel a lot sadder."
"So do you still care?"
"Well, if I am this upset about this. I guess that's proof enough that I still care."
"You don't know how much I love you, do you?"
"No, I don't think so."
"Well, I care about you a lot. And I don't want to see you upset, or hear you."
"Okay. Well, I'm gonna finish packing and I'll call you when I come back,okay?"
"Alright."

My Stepmom "Da Brat"

2009-01-10T07:37:00.000-08:00

I swore I escaped the pain and hatred from my stepdad.....now I know that I haven't escaped at all for the pain and hatred has formed the evil of a stepdad into a woman,a stepmom.Yes,Kee,the only person I never had doubts or problems with until early today.I am telling you,I am a rebel.So when I say that I wanted to snap at her just for lecturing me with the biggest attitude I have yet known so far,oh trust me,she made the wrong mistake.I sat there and heard her complain about me not cleaning after myself (forgetting to wash dishes),using the phone too much (friends in Georgia,can't hang out alone),and not speaking to her (desparate ass needs a new friend).I haven't done anything wrong,she just complained like a little brat.I couldn't take it.I wanted to cry (1) lectures (2) grown-ups,both I hate them.I waited till she was finished,and she made me miss watching the rest of Naruto (so what if it was on-demand,I was tired of my fucked up laptop).I had to turn off the t.v and walk back to my room quickly trying my best not to cry and slam the door.I couldn't cry,since I been through it already I wasn't in the mood to cry anymore,such a waste of tears."Aja!" she yelled."What did I do now?" I asked in a way that I wanted to say "what the hell do you want now."
"You don't have a response to what I said?" she asked.That's a dumb question if you asked me,which reminds me,she moved the time on my phone and hour back.So no calls after 9 p.m. and off the phone by then,pretty stupid if you ask me.I mean damn,all that just to not speak to anybody? I never cared much but only thought how sensitive she was.