Sex Before Marriage part 1

He needs a new girlfriend, so I can be in peace with Neko. I have felt sadness with Neko in my head. I have not felt love like I wanted to cuz its hard to love again. I gotta explain this to Neko. Or, someone more understanding, like Marcus. Maybe Nandi too. I hate feeling so sad, well, no. I haven't felt so sad in a long time. This, I am not torn between either one of them. Sh'muel never brought up "us" since yesterday. Neko...maybe Marcus is right. He doesn't really love me. I rather take him down to Dragon Circle and give him a blow job. That's all I ever do. I give blowjobs, and maybe get eating out or fingered. I can't lose my virginity. whatever made me say that Neko could be my first, I was just desparate and lonely. i am cool without having sex. I mean, I masterbate constantly, what more than this need to make me satisfied? It's pissing me off. I hope my period starts, if not, its time for Plan B: plea. I can't do it...I think I am abstinence. I think I am afraid of going to hell. But I have to remember that I was raised this way. My parents fucked before they got married. Look at them now. My mom got a house new, "young" husband and a career being a teacher. She started as a cafeteria lady in my elementary school. Moved on in being a paraprofessional, now she teachers 3rd graders. That's bull. My dad got a steady job, he's somewhat struggling to pay bills in his one bedroom apartment. It makes me wanna move back and support him