I met Sh'muel today after so many months. I must say, he doesn't look bad being so skinny...or "muscular" so he says. I still can't look him in the eyes unless my mind was elsewhere. I missed the fat when I hugged him and was just surprised to feel that he have been working out though. He still had the smile going on, everything. I saw his tattoo up-close. Its strange. Q kept himself preoccupied with his cell cell. I didn't care about what time I came home. Just walking with Sh'muel is an emergency. We played around while walking, teasing each other...the good times. Since we met in front of the school, we had to walk back down Mary Lou. In my world, it's "Memory Lane." e had our laughs in at one point, then as we began to trudge up the hill, he slipped his hand in mines. It was shockingly natural. I can't believe my fingers were entwine in his. I don't know what made me hold hands with him. I didn't want us to be like this. I'm emotional now, but that minute not a single thing crossed my mind except the past. I never told him this, but he always sensed something troubling me.
We chilled on the corner, I told Q straight up that my mom can kiss my ass. I didn't want to be put up with her. I wanted a piece of freedom like he and Sh'muel. Hell, life was never fair. At that moment, Q was tryna be an awesome friend. He reminded me each time that I should go home. I didn't wanna risk getting in trouble because I wasn't home at a certain time. Bullshit. Sh'muel apologized for repeating this important history between us. He doesn't know how much I still got love for him. I mean, I don't want us to be together again...at least not now. I have risked my whole life tryna spend time, even as little as this, just to see his smile or his hair. We only had at least 45 minutes together, but my concience was bothering the hell outta me. I just got up from beside Sh'muel after being caught in his trance of his cool, whispering voice.
I think I saw a proud face on Q when we got ready to walk back. I thought about my excuse when I get home. How my mom would have found out that Nandi wasn't really at home. It would suck, but it never mattered. Sh'muel held me close as we walked home together. I felt so sad like, "What if this the last time we ever have a moment like this?" I don't know. Sh'muel noticed I was distraught again, and I expressed something more deeper than my last thought."I feel like that you don't appreciate the risks I take just to see you." I said. He held me closer than close and told me that he did. He have always did...and I believed him. Whatever he tells me, even if he lied with a smile, I believed him. Q was far from us sorta. He probably could still hear everything we talked about. I expected him to be like "fuck it" and walk faster, leaving me and telling my mom. Nah, he just alked ahead slowly but far enough for Sh'muel and I to have our privacy.
By the time we got on the corner of Boulderview Drive and Pasco Lane. Sh'muel and I had to part. I hated our parting moments. I remembered that when I reached my place and no one answered. I immediately ran back down Boulderview to catch up with Sh'muel. I can never let him go. Now, that we parted, I felt a guilt trip coming on. Like, no...no guilt trip...used all over again. I felt this thing telling me that he didn't love me at all. I know he charmed other chicks. At the same time I felt this thing telling me that I am still young, and I am just having fun. All the sexy stuff I did was fun in this generation. So I knew every time we parted he would kiss me. The same old routine. I get ready to walk away but he always ask for a hug. I hug him, slightly pulling back so that he coud lean in to kiss me. My heart beats madly when we kissed, but I did something that I never thought I would even do. I pull back before his tongue slids into my mouth. I shake my head and get ready to leave. His hand magically is holding mines. We held on but as soon as I reach the tips of my fingers he pulls me back. "One more." he says. He kisses me again. I pull back ever so quickly trying not to get caught in his web. I shake my head dramatically as I walked aWay, when I hear him run back I run. I run to Q, thanking him for sticking around. I know how Q feels about me, but I will never feel what he feels, EVER.
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